posted by Admin on May 6
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting
of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Seems to sum it up quite nicely.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I think the difference between conservatives and liberals is that conservatives concentrate on working within the world as it is, and liberals concentrate on dreaming how it “should be”.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:04 am
…truly, thanks for sharing…
May 15th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Revisionists are great at house parties. I can laugh at them for hours.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:51 am
wow. That was just, wow. That was the longest, generalization/ignorant rant I have ever seen.
2nd paragraph- Conservatism and Liberalism are political ideologies, they have nothing to do wit how well you hunt…
3rd paragraph, scientifically, this makes no sense. You don’t evolve into the opposite sex, evolution takes millions of years to even create slight changes, your talking about a huge change happenning in one persons lifetime (Yes, I know you weren’t serious)
5th paragrah- juust plain wrong, because I am a liberal who… hates sushi, loves red meat, hates tofu, hates french food, and doesn’t drink…
6th paragraph: Okay… most sound like pretty respectale jobs to me… it’s a generalization, but…
7th paragraph: Almost all of the jobs you named don’t require a college, or even high school degree! HA! And, I’m pretty sure the last one’s illegal! gotta love it!
8th paragraph: This is the one that really pissed me off, because in your list of liberal jobs you had social worker, whatever, the other jobs, I don’t really care how much you bash them, but SOCIAL WORKER! reall, your saying that THAT isn’t worth anything!
May 20th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
i like the way you think.nice analogy
oh by the way i am a cowboy/rancher and also a pro rodeo bullfighter and i have a PHD in animal husbandry and livestock management from colorado state university.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Actually, your statement “that is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America”–which is also the basis for your entire argument–is flawed.
It was the liberals who came to America, they wanted separation of church and state.
Also, you list conservatives as being in fields of work such as lumberjacks, big game hunters, and rodeo cowboys all of which are low paying, require little to no formal education, and frankly not very beneficial to modern-day society. “Corporate executives” for the most part are actually liberal. You should check the list of the companies that opposed Prop 8 over in California.
You basically followed the stereotypes liberals and regurgitated it into a psuedo-philosophical rant with faulty basis. Nice try though.
May 25th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Just so ya know. When the two parties (democrats, republicans and also the Whig party) first started out, the democrats were known as the conservatives… You should do some reading up on the Civil War, the Whig party, democratic, and Republican Party. It’s sad. You actually accept what you’re saying as factual. Learn and make inquiries first. After you do that you can point fingers and make your judgment. Don’t assume teachers (that includes parents, friends and mentors) are always right. YOU have to double check everything they say by getting factual information. Read. Only THEN can you make rants likes these. Rants, but educated rants never-the-less.
Nothing is wrong with telling us about how you feel, but know that there is always another side to the story. And there is always more to learn. Never be afraid to learn.
“Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.”